IMPROVE YOUR MARRIAGE - Don't Overlook The Obvious
(NOT your typical marriage book)
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IMPROVE YOUR MARRIAGE - Don't Overlook The Obvious (NOT your typical marriage book) |
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The Changing Colors Of Marriage Great news for many (and not for others) made headlines. What news, you ask? Well, intermarriages between races & ethnicities, in America, have increased dramatically since 1980. Some of you will join me in taking pleasure with that news. It represents a sign that perhaps racial bigotry will not have a place in our homes, sometime in the not too distant future. If you are faced with this in your marriage, you need to be strong and draw a line. Just as you would not wish to be the subject of ridicule or hatred, neither does your wife or husband. And, they need to count on you to stand up to those who would show ignorance. And they deserve to expect that of you. "But that would mean I don't get to spend time with my sister, or dad, or whomever is not being prejudiced. I can't abandon them!" I am not advocating that folks purposely marry outside their race/ ethnic group for the sake of creating a homogeneous population. What I am saying is that the more we can accept people for who they are. How they behave... Then, hopefully, the less hatred their will be. I would be remiss if I did not point out that even within the same race, there can be prejudice. ("They are Northern Italians. Or, Irish from the South. Or, light-skinned African-Americans. Or, Middle-Eastern and not European Jews... ") And, my beliefs still count here. Wrong is wrong, however one tries to disguise it. So, if you are in such a marriage, embrace your partner! Embrace those who accept the marriage, even if they disapprove deep down inside. And, toss in the trash heap, anyone who would show the ugliness of bigotry. Our world has no place for this, anymore! 'Nuff said.
WHY SOME SPOUSESDREAD... ABSOLUTELY DREAD, VALENTINE'S DAY While many a couple will be happily enjoying Valentine's Day pleasures, there will certainly be too many who will not only be dreading the day, but who will suffer through it, best they can. Who am I referring to? Simply the
husbands and wives who love their spouse, but find their partner has
transformed the marriage into one without not only sex, but minus
other physical affection. Where can you find these folks who stay
in the marriage for assorted reasons? You need look no further than
on Internet forums, Facebook, in eavesdropped conversations (spoken
in whispers), at taverns, in locker rooms, or cafes. Basically
anywhere. Let
me be clear: These frustrated spouses are not typically wives
and husbands who have unusually high sex drives. Or who are
'affection exhibitionists'... These are 'regular' folks. People who
married someone that they believed would devote some amount of
physical and emotional energy toward the highs and satisfaction
derived from spousal contact. To be fair, women and men experience
all sorts of hormonal changes over time. And men can find themselves
impotent or too used to climaxing far too soon. And neither gender
might wish to consume the 'little blue pill' or risk the effects of
estrogen replacement therapy. Affairs, for some who indulge in these,
are in fact driven by wives and husbands who decide,
single-offhandedly that their marriage should be largely platonic. Interesting is that the one espousing
the platonic relationship can find all sorts of justification for
changing the 'rules' of their marriage. -- They're tired. They find
what happens in the bedroom to be boring. They decide, unilaterally,
that they are no longer attractive, so they don't want to 'expose'
themselves, if you will. They want time alone without being bothered. So far I haven't mentioned those who use sex as a bargaining chip to get what they want. Or, as a 'weapon' to get back at their spouse for a real or imagined situation. Worse yet are the spouses who proclaim that their partner is free to seek a divorce if they are so unhappy. Wow! A dagger to the heart! This essentially says that some major marital decisions are theirs alone to make, things will never change, and, most importantly, they cannot find sufficient joy in pleasing their wife or husband to... That divorce and breaking-up the family is easier to do, then to maintain their marital vows and the accompanying, typical expectations for a married life. Okay, so I have covered the problem.
But is there a solution? A workable one? 'Nuff said!
Displays of Affection No! Put your eyeballs back in their sockets. I'm not speaking of 2 passionate lovers 'going at it'. I am speaking of what spouses should be doing in front of their children. That's right! You and your husband/ wife should be holding hands, snuggling on the couch, giving one another a spontaneous hug, and even locking lips. Don't you realize that children learn from watching their role models? And, you both are their role models. If they never see proper affection being displayed by their own folks, how do you expect them to know what is and isn't appropriate to do? How often have you been at a party, only to comment on the teens who are all over one another, in front of everyone there? Is it really their fault that no one set proper examples? Accept the idea that 'casual' signs of loving affection ares vital to not only your relationship with your spouse, but for your kids, as well. They will learn that there are limits to public displays. They will see tenderness, caring, love, and, even self-control of sexual desires. And, aren't these things that you would have wished your parents did, if this was not the case? You have an obligation, I believe, to be the best parents that you can be, as well as the best partners with your wife/ husband. So, don't be embarassed, ashamed, or awkward about being loving toward your spouse, in full view of kids. (Obviously, within reason. No grabbing body parts or heavy panting, if you catch my drift. Save that for when the little ones are not around to see or hear.) 'Nuff said!
Too Much Togetherness We have all been touched by someone in our life whose words made a positive impact. Well, Leo Buscaglia is certainly someone who has touched many lives. One of his quotes is: Don't smother each other. No one can grow in shade. This is a common problem for many newlyweds and some long-term married folks. They create a virtual cocoon around themselves and their spouse. Only letting in children and perhaps family, plus 1 or 2 close friends. They believe that everything must be done together. All meal times & bedtimes. Watch the same TV shows. Go to the same movies. Eat the same foods. And... The problem is that there can be too much togetherness. As you know, by now, I don't believe in extreme behavior (with minor exceptions). Moderation is key! This is why business advisers do not recommend that husbands and wives work together. - Everyone needs some space and time apart. If you are the 'smotherer', then figure out why you do this. Is it because you are imitating role models from your past? And, were they truly happy couples? Or, are you insecure? Thinking that if you give them space, they might wander into someone else's yard (not literally) and discover a new love interest? Or, decide that you are not so interesting to be around? Or, are you a control freak and want your spouse to only do as you want to allow them? Or, worry that they will grow as a person and no longer want you in their life? Whatever the reason, STOP IT! NOW! Because at some point in time, your wife or husband will likely 'escape your clutches' and rebel, as a teenager would. Perhaps with an affair. Perhaps with drugs. Irresponsible spending. Even with a divorce. If your spouse outgrows you, then it was meant to be. Besides, if you attempt to stunt your spouse's growth, you will only get bored with them, at some point in time. And grow resentful. Possibly being the one to cheat on them or to ask for a separation. There is such a thing as too much togetherness. Remember that absence can make the heart grow fonder. So, for everyone's well-being: give them some room! 'Nuff said!
The 3 'S's We've all heard of the 3 'R's in school. But how about the 3 'S's at home, at bedtime, with your spouse? Let's tackle the least appealing of the 3, first. (Hopefully, that is Snoring!) - More couples are not only willing to admit that this poses a problem, but are willing to act upon it. Snoring can be caused by a multitude of problems, some serious. So, my initial advice is for the snorer to get a medical workup for the issue. - Meanwhile, more and more couples not only try the obvious ear plugs and over-the-counter remedies, but have agreed to sleep in separate beds and even different bedrooms. Then, when the urge to be sexually intimate strikes, they spend some quality time in the same bed. Sex is next. - Remember that one does not typically marry their Best Platonic Friend. They wed someone whom they desire as both a Friend and a Lover. And, just as one is not always in the mood for work or family commitments, you should consider satisfying your spouse, even when you are not exactly in the mood. Sex not only satisfies physical needs, but for many wives and husbands it also brings an emotional reinforcement of the loving bond between you. - For those of you who are truly too tired to be sexual at bedtime, then arrange to wake up earlier than usual. Surprise your spouse with an unexpected kiss or stroke or... (You get the picture!) Finally, on to the Sleep aspect. - Simple fact is that without a sufficient amount, not only will your work and family responsibilities suffer, but your overall mood will not be as pleasant, shall we say, as it could be. And that can translate into unnecessary sarcasm, arguments, and plain old miserable company to be around. - Everyone has different sleep needs Be aware of your husband's or wife's. And, honor them. So, if he needs more sleep and you are a night owl, then after a few minutes of cuddling, perhaps, go into the living room or den to read or watch television. Staying in bed, to do these, even with the volume down or lights low, will still interfere with your spouse getting a proper rest. If you think this is all 'Silly', let me ask you to put these ideas to the test for a month. And, if you don't find yourselves more relaxed, more pleasant to be around, and more sexually satisfied, then you can always go back to the way things were beforehand! (As always, let me know what you think about this or your experiences. We will not print your names, if we end of quoting you/ describing your situation. Write me at Comments@DontOverlookTheObvious.com.) 'Nuff said.
A 3rd Person In Your Bed Whew! - That title could mean many things. And, I am certain that each one of you is conjuring up one of several images, at this moment. 1st, there is the former lover. The one whom you never married. But, who was an exceptional partner, sexually. The one with whom you not only saw fireworks, but the earth and multiple body parts moved & exploded, as well. 2nd, there is a former spouse. Whether as a result of a divorce or death. 3rd, there is the actual, flesh & blood 3rd person in bed with you. - And no, I am not refrring to one of your children. (We'll save that topic for another time.) So, what is my solution for when the sex has become boring and routine/ Bottomline... Whether in your mind, as part of verbal role-playing/ fantasy, or in reality, bringing in a 3rd person to your bed is a risky and delicate matter, which you should approach with great care and trepidation, if you approach it at all. 'Nuff said.
Your 1st Intermarriage Holiday Increasingly, intermarriage among those from different religious backgrounds has become more comonplace. Not only among those from different rligions, altogether (Jewish, Christian, Muslim, Buddhist... ) but also among differing denominations (Reform/ Orthhodox Jew, Catholic/ Baptist Christian... ). Regardless of whether or not you and your spouse did the proper thing and gave the topic of childrearing from a perspective of faith one orr heartfelt discussions, the reality is that nothing truly prepares oneself for what occurs during your hild's first major religious holiday. Be it Hanukkah, Christmas, or... If you decided to raise your hild ia specific faith that 1 of you belongs to, than the other wll inevitably experience hurt, anger, frustration, and regret. Not necessarily in that order. For no mater how much one believes that they have come to terms with the decision to allow their flesh and blood to celebrate that other holiday... Actually watching your son or daughter, firsthand,is som ething else.
Where To Spend The Holidays Where to spend the Holidays? With your family or theirs? Well, I hate to burst your bubble! But, you have an obligation to balance time spent during the holidays. So, here is my recipe for solving the problem. And, it should go without saying that if there are many, many miles between you and family, plus the cost would be a hardship, then let those folks know that. Perhaps they will be willing to help out financially. Or, to arrange for holiday time every 2 or 3 years. Another exception would be if a parent or sibling is dying or gravely ill. Then, flexibility is in order. All of this might seem 'Obvious', but trust me, I know that it is not so, for many folks. Finally, remember that the 2 of you need to work things out as a team, putting aside any selfishness that might color your respective inputs. Enjoy the Holiday Season! 'Nuff said!
The 3rd Situation When You Should Apologize Question for you: Answers: It is this 3rd type that I want to focus on. Simply because it is the most difficult of the 3 for so many people to accept as legitimate. As a result of that, husbands & wives cause more friction in their marriuage than is necessary. Let's examine one scenario. Another example would be when you were both at a party. Someone makes an ethnic joke. Your husband lets folks know how inappropriate it was. Your wife knows that you are not that ethnicity, so when you later complain that she should have backed you up, she sees no reason to apologize for her inaction. If anything, she believes that you should have apologized for making a scene at the party over 'an innocent' joke. We can say, knowing what we do, that the aggrieved spouse should have communicated why they believed that an apology was in order. Or, just how real was their pain, even now, decades later. Bottomline, we need to realize that when we hurt or upset our spouse, we do not need o undertsan dor agree with thr hinking. We simply need o be a loving spouse and remind them that you would never intentionally hurt, angr, or... them. 'Nuff said!
All About You This piece could easily have been a part of the companion website, www.TeensImproveYourLife.com, as the essence of it applies to adolescents. Yet, as it also has great revelance for many of you, here goes... Newsflash! Married Life is not all about you! Truth is that many husbands and wives never quite left behind from their adolescence, the notion that life (especially their personal life) should revolve around them. - Sure, they want to make their spouse happy. But, certainly within reason! If doing so would result in compromise or (perish the thought) acquiescing to their partner's wishes, then 'obviously' that would not be the thing to do. Before you go off denying that this does not apply to you, allow me to ask the following: Sometimes we behave this way because we married later in life, so that we are 'settled in our ways' and adjusting to someone else's needs and desires does not come easy. Regardless of the reason, the world does not and should not revolve around you. And, the same applies in your relationship. - If you don't change your ways, I can be safe in assuming that your marriage will likely suffer from that. And, don't you want your partnerand yourself to be as happy as possible? 'Nuff said!
The 'Non In-Laws' Most all married folks, at some point or another are thought to have conflicts with one or both of their in-laws. How true that really is might be up for debate. Possibly less so is the issue of adult children doing their upost to sabotage their biological parents' new marriage: whether or not it followed a divorce or a parent dying. When there is a divorce, I am extremely hesitant in advising parents of minor children to remarry. At least until the children are finished with high school. When the children are adults, I believe that the dynamics change or should change. Even young adult children (for the most part) could in fact go out on their own if the new family dynamics do not work out. That said, parents of adults too often allow their offspring to tamper with their new marriage. - To be blunt, it truly is not any of their concern. (Unless of course they know and can prove that the new spouse is an abuser, addict, molester, or similarly 'dangerous' person to have around their bio parent.) In fact, they should be thrilled if their mom or dad have found love, once again! - For the reality is that people have the potential to deeply love, care for, and respect multiple individuals during their lifetime. Grownup children should be asked if they are in fact concerned for their parent's happiness or if they are concerned over such matters as inheritance, the dad or mom moving away from them (because that is what the new couple has decided to do), they believe in their head that it is too soon after a death or divorce to remarry, or... If these grownup offspring were to break up with their spouse, live-in partner, or significant other... would their parent have a right to monitor if and when they should choose someone else to love? Of course not! - Well, the same goes for the reverse situation. This is where the parents need to have straight-talking conversations with their kids. And, discover what the real issues are. Then, try to calm any fears whether through a new will, financial agreements, promises to visit/ Skype/ otherwise stay in touch, or... But, bottom-line, the parent has the right to live a life that is meaningful and fulfilling to them and not necessarily what their grown children desire. Life is too short. And, love should be embraced and acted upon when it there for the asking. Think about it.
(Almost) Requiring Marriage & Parenting Skills Training Law Proposed? Having been a long-time proponent of Life Skills edcuation in our schools, I read of a proposed law in Michigan that on the surface purports to support longterm healthy marriages and families. State Senator Rick Jones has proposed the bill, SB 546. So, what could I object to about this? Finally, and most importantly are these 3 points. Bottom-line, I support the idea of Life Skills education. However, I believe that bills such as this one need to be very well thought out.
"For Whatever The Reason" "For whatever the reason, you keep the house like a pig sty. So I can't bring my boss home. It's pretty embarassing, but I know that it's just the way it is. So, what's for supper, Honey?" "For whatever the reason, Barry, you work hard, yet your salary doesn't quite cut it. So, I have to shop at that discount food store instead of Whole Foods. No problem. I just hope that they someday offer healthier foods like Whole Foods does!" How many times have you said or heard, "For whatever the reason... "? Once you've aired your complaint or problem with your spouse, especially if it involves a matter of 'who they are', have been for their entire life, or their limitations, there is no need to keep reminding them of it. The odds are that they will not or cannot change. Andy more than you could if they had the guts to use that phrase with you. -- And, if they do say, "For whatever the reason... " to you, then you know how it feels. Be the classier one in the marriage and knock it off! Nagging, putting down, and otherwise digging at your wife or husband should be beneath you. Treat them as you would like to be treated. 'Nuff said!
Importance of 'The Obvious' I was reminded tonight of how much couples want their marriages to be better. How many know that there are issues, but they also do not believe that counseling is for them... At least not at the moment. And, how the philosphy and specifics of 'The Obvious' can make sense. - That often much of what gets in the way of our happiness is ego, stubborness, selfishness, laziness, overthinking, underthinking, overcomplicating, and simply overlooking 'The Obvious'. That while neither of you is perfect, you have one another and should take care of the 'little things'. Because attention to them will almost definitely bring added joy and peace. You deserve to respond to the question: "How is your marriage?' - With: "Terrific." Or, "Pretty Great." Or, something akin to that. I also marveled at the courage of a young couple dealing with the thought of "Should we marry and can we make it work?" - Proud that they were not simply goingto 'jump in blindly". And, at the courag eof longterm married couples who knew they wanted their marriage to continue but that there was 'stuff' that needed to be done for that to happen. And, the knowledge that they were not alone. - And, neither are the rest of you, alone. There are people who care and have the knowledge and skills to be of help. But, ultimately, you and your spouse have to do the 'heavy lifting'. And know that much of what should be doen won't be that strenuous, after all. So, go for the marriage that you both deserve and want! Seek out others. And, perhaps, the book, IMPROVE YOUR MARRIAGE - DON'T OVERLOOK THE OBVIOUS will be of help on your journey. (Let me know if it is helpful to you.) 'Nuff said.
When They Don't Agree With You How many times have you made what you thought was an 'innocent enough' statement, only to have your spouse disagree with you. And, then you decide that you don't want to get into a debate. You simply made a comment or observation. Why can't your husband or wife, simply agree with you? Like they are supposed to do? Oops! Did I say that? Did you think that? But wait! So, the realitry is that each one of you needs to show the other respect. And not expect them to provide you with what others have not. Now, one of the benefits of a marriage is being able to let your spouse know that you had a tough or miserable day. And, that you simply need a hug. Or, verbal confirmation that you can have some sound thoughts. Doing that will relieve some of the pressure for both of you. Try it! You might actually like it! You each might become (even) happier spouses. 'Nuff said!
For The 'Empty Nesters' Among You Okay. Your youngest child (who is now a Young Adult) has left home. Perhaps for college. Perhaps for their first big, full-time job. Perhaps to begin their life with a spouse of their own! So, now what? For some of you, this is the moment that you have fantasized about, for years. For others of you, there is much dreaded anticipation of what lies ahead for your marriage. Look. This will not a major problem for those of you who remembered, while the kids were growing up, that you were more than parents... You were spouses, lovers, and friends. But, for those of you who chose... Yes, it was a choice, despite what you might have wanted to believe... For you who let yourself drift apart from your husband or wife... You simply have to court one another, again. - That simple, in it's essence. You need to pay much attention to your Partner In Life. You need to learn what is currently important to them. In so many areas, including, but not limited to their personal interests. You need to rediscover one another sexually. That mindset is needed for you to get out of any sexual ruts that you might be in. And, that's assuming that you have remained loers, while the kids grew up. You need to remember that each one of you has grown and changed over the years. But, that does not mean that you should simply ditch the other and begin a new life with someone else, or that you have the right to not work on your marriage. Will all of this be easy for those of you who allowed yourselves to become simply roommates? No. But, is it worth the effort? Hopefully, the answer will be a resounding 'Yes'. 'Nuff said!
Surviving The Recession & Joblessness Sometimes, 'The Obvious' is not so plain to see. So it is with the topic of this piece. - Why? Well, I spend much time with job training programs. And, therefore should have addressed the many stresses caused by the current Recession (or, 'difficult period' if you prefer). We all know that the nation's unemployment rate is incredibly high. In fact, as former President Clinton said recently while on The Today Show, the rate we often see in the media does not reflect many who stopped looking for work. And, it does not include those who work part-time. - Some of you know this on a very real, daily level. Finances are believed by many to be the major reason for divorce. More than sexual-related reasons. Regardless of it' sranking, the fcat is economic stress wrecks havoc on even the great marriages. #1 Expenses. - Write down all expenses, by category. Mandatory (rent/ mortgage, food, medicine, ...). Fairly Necessary (car gas). Frivolous/ Extras (eating out, golf fees, movies). #2 Prioritize. - Assign values to those expenses that you mst address. #3 Budget. - Must be written. Because verbal ones are too easy to ignore. #4 Add income. - If you still have a job, take on extra hours, if available. Get a part-time job. Nothing says that you have to do this 'forever'. - If you are the one without a job, then take something, 'anything' as a stop-gap measure. By the way, many employers are admitting that they give hiring priority to those who are currently working. They also give credit to folks who are willing to work outside their field in order to get through these tough times/ for the sake of their family. #5 Follow the advice of experts, such as Dave Ramsey. ( www.DaveRamsey.com ) #6 Be constructive at home. - If you are now jobless, when not actively seeking work, then do extra things around the house. #7 Spend some relaxing time with your spouse. - It is even more important, now, that you spend quality time together. And this means time that is not spent discussing finances, the job hunt, or the economy. #8 Try to be more patient. - I am not suggesting that you keep feelings or concerns bottled-up inside. But, with everyone on edge, patience plays a more important role, than ever. #9 Be loving. - Intimacy. affection. Little, loving deeds. All of these will help you both through it. And, if you don't find yourself in the mood, try to go with the flow. The odds are, that you will quickly get there. remember that you both need this time together, relating in loving ways. Who knows how long this economic downturn will last? But, together, you can make your marriage survive it, if you try. And, don't you want your marriage to last? Don't you deserve it? 'Nuff said.
What If 'Through Sickness & Health' Beomes An Issue Many of us promised to love and cherish our spouse. We also promised to remain with them, through sickness as well as through good health. -- And, as with many promises, their power over our behavior can diminish with time. In recent years, we have seen or read of celebrities who apparently did not let those health-related vows get in the way of ending their marriage. And, many of you probably know of someone who took the 'low road' instead of the 'high road'. A husband or wife who ditched their partner either because they hate being around sick people. Or, the bills were draining them of their 'birthright' to marital assets. Or, they wanted a healthy spouse who could please them sexually as well as socially.Or... Well, I hate to say that I would hope that these folks became sick themseles and had no one willing to care for them. Or hold their hand. Or, their heart. Yet, the temptation is great! I think back on my deceased parents. My mother developed alzheimer's disease in her 60's. She also had diabetes and multiple heart attacks, with arthritis thrown in for 'good measure'. Through it all, my dad stood by her side. He retired early for that reason. He dealt with tender moments. Moments of fear (both his own and my mom's). He would walk many a day to visit her when, finally, after many years of caretaking, she eventually ended-up in a nursing home. And, when he died, unexpectedly, near his 80th birthday, she also passed soon after. Perhaps of a broken heart and for missing this man whom she seldom recognized by name, yet, who visited her daily. And, made her smile brightly through the dense fog caused by the alzheimer's. It's not for a self-indulgance that I share this true story. But, so that you can visualize what it could mean to honor your commitment to your wife or husband. 'Nuff said!
Trust Is 'Near Everything' We have all heard the trite comment that you earn someone's trust. You don't get it automatically. When you said your vows, whatever they were, you promised far more to your new Bride or Groom than being there for them. And, with them. You promised to be worthy of their trust. Whether or not you break it by having sex with another, or you continue gambling, doing drugs, or drinking. Whether you use them as a punching bag or servant. Whether you use them as your personal ATM. Or... It doesn't quite matter. And, don't think for a minute that you will probably ever regain the same level of trust that you both once shared. Because the reality is, for so many of you, that the trust will either never be there again. Or, that it will be some remnant of it's fomer self. If your spuse forgives you and is willing to work on rebuilding the marrige and, along with it, the trust, then count your blessings. For you truly had excange those vows, years ago with an incredible person. - Don't blow it, again! 'Nuff said!
My Act of Tough Love Greetings! A lot of you will not be pleased by what I am about to say. However, that doesn't make it less valid. So that I ask you to seriously consider what I tell you. Especially if you truly want an improved marriage. So, here goes. Stop bitching about what you knew before your wedding day. Let me repeat that: Stop bitching about
what you knew before your wedding day. If you knew that your husband-to-be had children and owed child support, then stop complaining to him about the money going there. If you knew that your bride-to-be had a gambling problem, then don't act surprised or hurt when she racks up huge debts due to her addiction. Same goes for drug or alcohol addiction. A lack of a sex drive. Someone who is not verbally or physically in your league... We were adults. Adult enough to enter a
legally, morally, and, perhaps, religiously, binding contract. If you're thinking what a cold, uncaring jerk that I am being, please think about how you are behaving at this moment. It's okay to feel anger or resentment or fear depending upon the specific situation. What is not okay is for you not to take responsibility for your own actions, including the decision to go ahead with the wedding. You also have no right to take frustration over money issues, out on your step-children. Or, an ex-spouse who collects alimony. The odds of your anger helping to turn around an addict, is quite small. You probably don't have what it takes to instill ambition in an otherwise lazy or party-going spouse. Habitual spenders are also not the easiest to 'reign in'. What you should do at this point in
your marriage depends upon many factors. Not the least of which is
your true tolerance for their shenanigans, personality, or
obligations. So, step back. Analyze the situation. But, bitching and
moaning about it will likely only make the marriage worse. 'Nuff said!
Lessons Learned From A Passing Unfortunately, my last Aunt passed away this week. In speaking to a cousin whose home I visit with my family with much irregularity during our youth, she easily volunteered something which will remain with me forever. She said that my late father was so special to her because he actually played with the kids, talked with them, and essentially let them know someone knew that they existed. Aside from a feeling of pride, it made think of the impact that our actions have on our children and those of others whose life we touch. I know that my folsk were married approx. 50 years. This cousins parents were devoted to one another for decades, and another uncle was wedded for approx. 63 years! Of course, there will be those among you who will find examples where this theory does not appear to work. And, that's okay. Aside from exceptions to 'rules' there is 'free choice'. By the way, my cousin also expressed what my wife and I have experienced. - That there can be days, months, even years when you wish to leave your spouse, yell at them, or not want to see or speak with them. Yet, because you stay out of love, plus a commitment to one another and a life together, you remain husband and wife. I wish for you the marriage of my Mom and Dad, my Aunt Lucille and Uncle Sam, and my Aunt Dorothy and Uncle Fred. - Not perfect marriages. But strong ones, which lasted for decades because of love, respect, commitment, and, of all things, effort. And, faith in one another. Think about it.
Trophy Spouses and 'Year-End Clearances' You want a trophy wife or husband. You look around. If not simply at others who travel in the circles that you wish to, but at celebrities. You know! The ones who after years of paying their dues, finally make it 'big' and then decide to trade-in wife or husband. Just as they would change managers/ agents. And, you drool, looking at their new catch. You rationalize your new desire as
'their fault'. They let themselves go. They did not choose to keep up
with you. They are to fault for your new found dilemma. But if this is something that you are on the fence about, then read the rest of this piece. Were you always such a 'catch'? Did you encourage your spouse to become 'less stylish/ healthy', because that way no one else would make passes at them. So that you would not worry about infidelity? Did you support or encourage any efforts for them to get ahead either educationally or career-wise? If you did the food shopping or cooking did you consider the types of foods that were prepared? And, I could go on. (Bu, do I really need to do so?) You have a decision to make. But let me warn you. Divorce will impact you and any children that you have. Emotionally, financially, even physically. (As well as your spouse and yourself.) Realize that many of these 2nd-time-around trophy spouses will not have the same depth of love for you or loyalty to you, that your 1st wife or husband had. So that at the 1st sign of greener pastures, you could find yourself dumped. And possibly owing them mega alimony. But, you say, you have grown apart. Well, that took 2 of you. And in many instances, that can change, with enough time and effort.
In the end, you must decide for yourself. - Just tread carefully.
'Nuff said!
Are They Happily Married To You? What in the world makes you believe that your husband or wife is happy being married to you? I'm serious! – Don't simply say that
the fact they haven't left you is proof of their love and joy.
Because we both know that's not a valid way to tell. Don't say that
they have sex with you once a week or month, either. Far too often a friend will espouse
shock at the news that their wife or husband is divorcing them. But, we know different, don't we? - We know that while there is a grain of truth in all of what our soon-to-be-divorced friend says, the fact of the matter is that we tend to turn a blind eye to the serious problems in our relationships. We somehow hope that if we don't acknowledge them, they will simply disappear on their own. (Similar to when a child closes her/ his eyes, and tells you that they are now invisible.) So, let me go back to the beginning of
this piece. What makes you believe that your spouse is happy with the
quality of life that they have with you? And, that they still love
you? So, what, then? Bottom line is that it is up to us to
take the temperature, if you will, of our marriage. And, at the early
signs of illness, to find and fill the prescription that will keep
you and your spouse together, in a healthy and happy way. 'Nuff said!
Time Will Not Heal All We have all heard the expression that 'Time Heals All'. Certainly, as time passes, certain wrongs and hurts become distant memories or less painful. - However, there are many situations that actually worsen as time passes. Among them are hurtful statements to our spouse. Among them are the affair. Even a one-time, one-night fling. Among them are acts of ignoring. And, there are more examples. Bottom line, an open wound, left uncared for properly, will become infected over time. And, perhaps, the limb will need to be amputated. 'Nuff said!
The 'Upside' To Celebrity Affairs Infidelity always seems to make the headlines. Whether it involves the politician of the day, the young starlet, or the sports figure. All of which reminds me that for each of us, there are differing moral standards. Despite the fact that when we are in church/ synagogue, we espouse a 'party line' against adultery. And, that conclusion, folks, reminded me of the fact that each spouse, in each relationship, must come to grips with what they will and will not tolerate. Even though this should have been discussed before your wedding day, you need to have a frank discussion with your spouse about infidelity. In part to clarify expectations and groundrules. In part to learn more about your spouse. Bottom line, I think that the exploits of these famous folks can serve a positive purpose for their fans/ admirers. The real question... The initial question... is will you and your spouse make the time and effort to be honest and explore this topic, before any actions become fodder for your local community's or your inner circle of friends' chatter? 'Nuff said!
Quantity or Quality Time Recently, I overheard a mid-30's man explain to some ladies, how he and his wife seem to argue over 'anything and everything'. I had to wonder about how much time he was spending at home, before bedtime. - Was his wife home alone, too much? So that she was taking her frustrations out by complaining/ arguing, so frequently? Anyway, why not quickly review your typical week. And how much time you spend with your husband or wife. - Know that while 'quality time' is important, sometimes folks also need some 'quantity time', as well. 'Nuff said!
When Was Your Last Date? When
was the last time that you and your wife or husband went out on a
date? One that also lasted into the night, if you catch my drift? 'Nuff said!
A Father's Day Message The first part of this message is for the ladies out there who have primary or sole custody of their children from a previous relationship. If your divorce or separtation did not involve abuse of the children, I would ask that you consider the importance of a relationship between your kids and their birth father. So, on this Father's Day, please take a minute or two during which you evaluate this situation. - Our children need us to be positive role models and to look out for their best interest, even if it is uncomfortable for us, personally. Now, men, this portion of the message is for you. If you are a divorced man with children who spend most or all o ftheir time with your ex, please consider this: Your kids deserve your love and attention. They don't need to grow up with the pain and anger of believeing that the divorce was their fault and that you don't love them. So be a man! Make a call today. Arrange for a visit. And don't just drop out oif their lives, because you meet resistance from the ex or your current wife. You owe your kids! And, you will be a better person for it. If you abused your children, then all bets are off. Seek help. Work whatever the specific program is. Make a difference for the better in your life and that of your children's. 'Nuff said!
The Power of 'Faking It' The 'Power of Faking It'? Whatever could I be saying? Do I realize how I am coming across? For generations, spouse, female and male, were advised to fake pleasure. Perhaps with their level of job satisfaction. Perhaps, sexually. Perhaps... Fast forward to today, and while there is something of a mixed-bag when it comes to being quiet regarding things that make you unhappy or simply do not give you great pleasure, far too many of you have lost the importance behind and value of 'Faking It'. Let's begin with a 'simple' situation. - Your hubby or darling wants to have their folks visit for a weekend. You cannot stand them. (And, perhaps the feeling is mutual.) So, you tell your wife that if they visit, you will go to your folks or a friend's home. - Now, unless these in-laws are truly evil, as opposed to irritating, wouldn't you have a happier home in the long-run, if you stayed when these folks arrive? Because of or despite them, your spouse turned out okay. Hey! You married their child, correct? How about that present? Unless money is truly very tight, so what if their anniversary or birthday gift or plans weren't 'just right'? - It would be one thing if you let your wife or husband know exactly what you wanted/ to do. If not, isn't the fact that they put thought and effort into trying to surprise and please you, enough? Does everything need to be a 'bullseye' in order to get your approval? Okay... Here it comes... How about sex? And, there are so many other situations where 'Faking It' can be healthy for a marriage. Think of it as being the 'cousin' of the 'White Lie'. We gain nothing by telling a parent that their child is homely (at least in your eyes). And, we gain nothing by never faking appreciation or affection or agrrement with our spouse. For those of you who did not yet jump the fence to my yard where this true, I strongly suggest that you evealuate the consequences of your actions. And, then dare you (invite you) to try this theory out, for a good 6 weeks. If by then, you haven't discovered the benefits of an occasional 'Faking It' session, then you can always go back to your old ways. (There are always exceptions to the rule... Or, those who refuse to change their ways... ) You both deserve a great, harmonious, fun, and loving marriage. 'Nuff said!
'Set-Up' Parents Did I mis-spell the title of this piece? Did I intend to write, Step Parents? - The answer is 'No' and 'No'. So, what is a 'Set-U[ Parent"? - Glad you asked! First, you need to realize that in many-most families, there is 1 parent who is looked at by the children, as the 'Cool One'... The parent who gives them not only the most attention quantity-wise, but who also lets them get away with more, and who appears to be the most supportive one. The SUP might not realize that they are doing this. Or, it might be their way of insuring a lasting bond with the children. Or of helping them with their great insecurity. They might have seen this behavior in their own home. Need some examples? How about the SUP who tells the children that Mom/ Dad did not make their award ceremony because they felt that work was more important. Even though they do manage to take time off whenever they want to. - Or, the SUP buys the children a gift that the family cannot afford. Then tells the other spouse that it's up to them to find a ways to pay for it. And if they don't and the item gets
returned, the kids will know just whose fault it is. (Not the SUP's?) - Or, they complain about how mean or unfair their partner is. So that the children rush to the SUP's defense, even though the other parent had not been mean at all/ The sad part is that children often grow up believing the negative stuff about the non-SUP. Perhaps they will eventually learn the truth or accept it from another source. Other times, there is no revelation as to what really went down. And, this is the worst part. For an otherwise good parent lives so much of their life, bearing the hurt and pain inflicted by the SUP. Does the Set-Up parent intend to do such damage? It can vary from instance to instance. So, if you are a SUP, then stop it, right now. And, set the record straight! If you are the other parent, then attempt too get the family into counseling. If this approach does not take place or yield proper results, the give serious consideration to leaving the marriage. 'Nuff said!
Stepping Into 'It' From time to time, I know in advance that my Thoughts or advice will anger some folks. Possibly make others feel badly. Yet, I still offer it. Why? Because I believe that it could be helpful. And, sometimes, we don't want to examine an issue because it might 'rob us' of being able to justify our actions/ positions. How many of you folks watch the CBS hit TV show, The Good Wife? - And, guys, don't be embarrassed to raise your hand, as well. After that intro, here is the point of this Thought: While adultery is always wrong. Repeat: Adultery is wrong... Is it less of an affront to your spouse if the affair was a purely sexual one (as with the husband) or if it involved someone with whom you share emotional fondness or even love (the wife)? Well, for what it's worth, folks, here is my take on this. Know that the above applies equally to men and women. And, that the above is certainly not a hard and fast rule. But, before you indulge your urges for a taste of someone else, sexually, know that you are jeopardizing your life, your family, your finances, and even friends. Marriages are fragile, regardless of how strong they might appear to be. Treat them as such. Treat one another as you would wish to be treated. Remember that their wants and needs might not be yours, but you did promise to love this person. And, part of that love is sometimes giving of yourself to please them. (Obviously, not in ways that you truly find disgusting or would result in pain.) 'Nuff said!
Why Are We Surprised? Do you ever watch a parent tell their misbehaving child, in the store, that the next time that there is any acting out, that the child will not get the promised toy, or meal, or will have to wait out in the car? And, are you amazed by how frequently the parent does not carry through with the promised consequence? And, don't you criticize that parent? Well, then why are so many of you astounded when your spouse doesn't straighten out their act? You let them know, in no uncertain terms, that there would be consequences... unpleasant ones... for continuing to 'cheat', 'yell', drink, gamble, swear, stay out all night, put you down, or... The theory is the same. And, yet, you don't like it when that is pointed out to you! So, what I am saying? Simply that before you throw out your promised response to your husband or wife's misbehavior, be certain that you will carry through with it. Because every time that you do not, you are simply empowering your spouse to do more of the same. And, possibly to escalate their disdain for you. Then, you should be considering the impact this will have on any chilkdren. They do learn from what they see. And, they don't always discern the better path from it. So, am I blaming you, for your wife or husband acting out? In part, yes. 'Nuff said!
When The Same Thing Means Something Else? A strange title, yes? Well, I promise that I will get to the point, shortly. But, first... The other week, I was listening, as I often do, to Dave Ramsey, the extremely popular talk show host and TV star. His area of expertise is money. More specifically, how folks can get out of debt. His approach is both logical and effective. Anyway, he was reading a listener's question. She wondered whether or not she should include her monthly child care costs in her list of monthly expenses. Now, Dave appeared somewhat amused as he answered that, of course, she should add the child care expenses. Why wouldn't she have thought that it belonged there? Another example of what I am driving at
took place during an episode of Restaurant Impossible, on the Food
Network. The show stars Robert Irvine, who is given 2 days in which
to help rescue a failing restaurant. Okay, now for the point I want to make. Okay. Miscommunication often happens as a result of both parties having different interpretations for requests and responses. - So try asking your spouse for clarification, if you need to do that. If you truly understand what they mean but you simply want to accommodate them 'only so much', as not to inconvenience you or impact your desires... Try to honestly assess whether or not you are simply being selfish... Or, whether or not they are typically more sensitive to your needs than you are to theirs... Or, if you are trying to punish them for something real or imagined... Or... I am certainly not suggesting that you deny your own wishes. Simply, that you each attempt to be more in tune with the others' needs and desires. Accommodating them when you can. And, finally, when you marry, aren't you promising to love and cherish the other person? Well, part of that means sometimes compromising and making concessions. At the least, it means being certain that you do understand what they say and ask for. Even when it involves life's 'little things'. Because the 'little things' do add up and can dramatically impact the quality of your marriage. 'Nuff said!
COUGARS AND DINGOS Annette Johnson of AllWrite Advertising & Publishing had me as her guest on the BlogTalkRadio show that she hosts on Saturdays. And, on eof her inciteful questions had to do with Cougars. And what I thought of these relationships. - Now, as you know, this is a marriage and not a dating issue site. But, that said, I know that some of you reading Improve Your Marriage - Don't Overlook The Obvious or frequenting this site are doing so in order to be better prepared for when you marry. So, that I believe this topic is appropriate for this site. So, what do I think of these relationships which used to be called May-December Romances? So, now on to Cougars (the older woman wanting to date/ marry a younger man) and the Dingo (the male version of the cougar). All in all, I believe that this is not a gender issue. But one that requires the deepest and truest searching of one's heart and mind before choosing to be either a cougar or a dingo. 'Nuff said!
WHY SOME SPOUSES DREAD... While many a couple will be happily enjoying Valentine's Day pleasures, there will certainly be too many who will not only be dreading the day, but who will suffer through it, best they can. Who am I referring to? Simply the husbands and wives who love their spouse, but find their partner has transformed the marriage into one without not only sex, but minus other physical affection. And, where Valentine's Day is supposed to be the epitome of expressions of romantic love, this day can bring some spouses incredible, inner pain. Where can you find these folks who stay in the marriage for assorted reasons? You need look no further than on Internet forums, Facebook, in eavesdropped conversations (spoken in whispers), at taverns, in locker rooms, or cafes. Basically anywhere. Promises made to 'Love and to cherish' their husband or wife, lasted for a while. And then... Perhaps the birth of children and a new role... Maybe it's 70+ hour, high stress work weeks... Health issues... Confessions that they never truly enjoyed sexual contact and so now they... Let me be clear: These frustrated spouses are not typically wives and husbands who have unusually high sex drives. Or who are 'affection exhibitionists'... These are 'regular' folks. People who married someone that they believed would devote some amount of physical and emotional energy toward the highs and satisfaction derived from spousal contact. Whether desiring to cuddle. Or kiss 'good morning' and 'good night'. To hold hands. Get and offer a neck or back rub. To have intercourse or foreplay more than once every six months or year or never again. To be fair, women and men experience all sorts of hormonal changes over time. And men can find themselves impotent or too used to climaxing far too soon. And neither gender might wish to consume the 'little blue pill' or risk the effects of estrogen replacement therapy. But, there are alternatives, if the spouses are open to them. Simple and random acts of affection might be enough to satisfy many 'starving' spouses. There are pills and creams to assist those who are willing to try them. There are new ways to express sexual feelings. And, the need to simply be acknowledged as an attractive partner in life. Affairs, for some who indulge in these, are in fact driven by wives and husbands who decide, single-offhandedly that their marriage should be largely platonic. Both women and men tend to not marry their best platonic friend. They instead opt for spending their life with someone who finds them sexually attractive. And for whom the feelings are mutual. I have heard people ask how total abstinence in a marriage is any less of a breaking of the marital vows, then having an affair? Common questions also include: Where is the compromise to be found? Is physical affection or sex, simply once ore twice a year, an equitable balance? 1 or 2 nights out of 365? -- Does my happiness not mean anything to my partner? -- Are they wanting me to go elsewhere for my needs? -- Why am I considered selfish? -- Don't I do things that I do not want to do? Go to work, every day... Cook meals and clean the home... Visit relatives or run errands... Many of these 'hungry' women and men remain in the marriage because they wish to be with their children, daily. Or, for financial reasons. Or, because they decide that their love for their spouse is strong enough to justify staying. Reality is that many of these folks will become bitter and begin to show their frustration and resentment, at home or at work. I remember a woman, decades ago, who worked in human services. Her businessman husband stopped showing her physical affection. And, she eventually sought outlets in affairs. But, she hated it. Interesting is that the one espousing the platonic relationship can find all sorts of justification for changing the 'rules' of their marriage. -- They're tired. They find what happens in the bedroom to be boring. They decide, unilaterally, that they are no longer attractive, so they don't want to 'expose' themselves, if you will. They want time alone without being bothered. Fact is that many of these reasons are obviously valid on some level. They also show great selfishness. Again, if their husband or wife was constantly demanding sex or hugs & kisses, that would be different. But marriage is supposed to be fulfilling to both partners. So far I haven't mentioned those who use sex as a bargaining chip to get what they want. Or, as a 'weapon' to get back at their spouse for a real or imagined situation. Worse yet are the spouses who proclaim that their partner is free to seek a divorce if they are so unhappy. Wow! A dagger to the heart! This essentially says that some major marital decisions are theirs alone to make, things will never change, and, most importantly, they cannot find sufficient joy in pleasing their wife or husband to... That divorce and breaking-up the family is easier to do, then to maintain their marital vows and the accompanying, typical expectations for a married life. Okay, so I have covered the problem. But is there a solution? A workable one? Unfortunately, there will be some marriages where this problem will not resolve itself, well. Simply because it requires both parties to not only actually compromise, but because action might come too late. Too many hurt feelings and animosity to overcome. Happily, there are steps to take. Perhaps a recognition that there are multiple ways to climax. That subtle 'public' signs of affection are fine. That often once you begin sexual foreplay, it can be easy to 'get in the mood'. That if boredom or a strong dislike for how you both make love is the issue, then verbal communication can be truly helpful. Did you notice that I have very much included women as 'sufferers', if you will in this situation? That's because they are. And, the media has a responsibility to make something of that, for the benefit of both genders. Bottom-line, it is in 'the Obvious' that many answers to marital problems exist. Please check out the very different marital guide... Designed for good marriages as well as rocky ones... Improve Your Marriage - Don't Overlook the Obvious. And, it's companion website, www.DontOverlookTheObvious.com. 'Nuff said!
ONE-SIDED, ONE AND ALL? Some things in life still amaze me. Not that they should. Especially as they don't surprise me. -- Simply amaze me. I was in a food court of sorts and overheard a group of women (probably 30 -50) complain about their spouses. -- How selfish they are. What slobs they were. What lazy guys they had become. How little time they... Finally, I had to speak up. So I asked, if their husbands were so bad, then why did they stay with them. And responses included statements such as 'I'm used to him' to 'There could be worse' to 'We're just venting'. So my next question was whether or not they thought that their husbands ever vented the same way about them. 'They better not' to 'They wouldn't have any valid complaints about us'. And, as I left the area, I chuckled to myself. Why? Because I have seen this scene repeated before, but with men and with different gripes. And, the men, as with these ladies, sincerely seemed to believe that any complaints which their spouses had, paled in comparison with their own. So, what is the lesson here? Well, there are two to be had. One obvious one and one perhaps 'hidden'. Oh, yes. The other lesson? (Okay, so there were three to be had!) 'Nuff said!
ONE SIZE DOES "Not one size fits all" is a common expression that can be applied to not only shoe sizes, but to various aspects of life. Too often marriage gurus, including authors, choose a singular premise and attempt to fit everyone into their paradigm. So that they act as if everyone in a marriage wants both spouses working, or the wife to stay at home without a career, or for there to be a 50-50 split on household chores, or to have separate vacations, or to have more sex, or less sex, or ... Yes, it might offend our sensibilities if a woman or man chooses to stay at home and raise their children wihout the benefit of a nanny or day-care... Or, if the man wishes to let his wife make the majority of big decisions, or neither one truly is interested in sex more than twice a year, or if they do not wish to have children, or want their in-laws living with them,
or... Now, if someone is not comfortable with their marriage, then that is a very different situation, indeed. Observent Comment #1: "So let me get this straight. You're saying that anything 'can go' in a marriage?" Observent Comment #2: "At the beginning, you mentioned something about 'anything' being okay as long no one is getting hurt. What about sadists and druggies and the like? Aren't you creating your own brand of double standard that you complain about other authors doing?" Observent Comment #3: "Okay. So let's say that I think about buying into what you are saying here... Aren't you simply trying to hype your philosophy, just as the other experts who are condemning?" So, think about what I am saying. And, get a hold of Improve Your Marriage - Don't Overlook The Obvious. Because it can make a difference for most marriages, along the happiness spectrum! 'Nuff said!
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